


Snarky!TARDIS: The Collection

by Hope Meijer (Hopemeijer)



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-25
Updated: 2005-05-25
Packaged: 2018-04-02 16:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4067521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopemeijer/pseuds/Hope%20Meijer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor challenges Rose to 'drive' the TARDIS.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Learner

**Author's Note:**

> Originally a challenge way back when on Time & Chips by the lovely Doyle - what would happen if Rose took control of the TARDIS? The first response was received so well I went on to write a series, spanning two Doctors. Originally written between 2005 - 2011, this is the collection in its complete entirety.

His taunting grin was what spurred her into action. She'd watch him do it enough times, why couldn't she?

"I'm going to drive the TARDIS," she announced. "Where are we going?"

He shrugged. "Anywhere, as long as you can actually get there."

Oh how she longed to smack that smug look off his face. She settled for giving the control panel a whack before 'umming' and 'ahhing' over the series of dials, buttons and levers dotted over the surface.

"It doesn't look too hard."

Huh. Famous last words.

"Well?"

"I'd find it a lot easier if you weren't standing there laughing over my shoulder! Go find something to occupy yourself with until I call you!" she snapped. But she didn't mean it, and he knew it.

"I'll be back soon then." It was something she had to learn to do, and he knew that she wanted to do it by herself, to prove that she was worthy.

Silence reigned as she stood over the panel, trying desperately to recognise some of the controls. Taking a deep breath, she guessed.

There was a loud whirring noise. The TARDIS didn't move at all, and for a brief moment she entertained the thought that she'd done it perfectly and the TARDIS had behaved for once. Of course, in hindsight she knew that was one of the worst assumptions she had made.

The whirring had stopped, and was replaced by what sounded like something inside the panel 'cranking'. Then there was silence, broken momentarily by the sound of paper sliding against metal. She looked around, then caught sight of a square piece of white paper against the dark metal of a slot underneath the lip of the panel.

She picked it up and turned it over.

A white background stared back at her, bearing a large bold capital 'L' in bright red.

\---

It had been fifteen minutes already, and nothing untoward had happened. The Doctor wasn't sure whether that was a good or bad sign, but he didn't particularly want to go and find out – he knew what her moods were like and tended to avoid her when she expressed behaviourisms much like an angry bear.

\---

Rose had always suspected the TARDIS had a mind of its own, but this was just proof.

"That's not helpful!" she whined, stamping her foot on the floor and ignoring the fact that she was being overly childish. "I'm trying to help! I don't care if you're jealous or don't like me – I'm here because I want to be and the Doctor wants me to be, and you're going to have to get used to it! Either we can do this the easy way – you and me can work together – or I can get the Doctor to find another TARDIS!"

She wasn't sure whether that was possible, and didn't know if the TARDIS was aware of that, but she thought it was a pretty good threat.

Especially when a dial lit up on the control column. She turned it in the direction she assumed was forwards, then moved onto the next lever that lit up. She continued in this fashion for the next minute, with the TARDIS directing her moves, until the 'engines' started up and the time machine shuddered with its usual force.

\---

Well, that was certainly an improvement, the Doctor thought as he stepped back into the main control room, Rose standing proudly by the door.

"You go first," she told him.

"So I can get shot at if there's a mob of angry aliens standing waiting?" he shot back.

"Yup."

He opened the door hesitantly, but to his surprise was greeted by warm sunshine and the smell of the ocean as he stepped out onto soft white sand.

"Impressive..." he grinned.

He missed the quiet 'thanks' whispered to the TARDIS as his companion followed him out.

He also missed the square 'Learner' sticker that was now stuck to the door of his beloved time machine.


	2. Blue

He watched the two of them together, frowning. The way their heads bent towards each other when they were speaking; the way he stood protectively close to her; the way her delighted laugh filled up the room when he teased her.

'Just friends', she had said.

Apparently their definition of 'friends' was totally different from his.

"We're just going to grab some parts for the TARDIS from the stock room," Rose called over to him. Adam nodded.

"I'll...find something to do..." he replied. Rose nodded, following the Doctor out the door of the control room.

Adam stood for a moment, taking in the colours of the room and thinking. His whole life had been dedicated to cataloguing aliens and artefacts – now here he was, in the company of an alien and its spaceship. Or time machine, to be pedantic.

There was a whirring noise from the main control column, and Adam looked around, expecting the Doctor to suddenly pop up from a hiding place to see what was wrong. Of course, that didn't happen, and Adam was left hoping that neither of them walked in at that point and accused him of breaking the TARDIS. So he moved quickly over to where he assumed the source of the noise was, and tapped the panel next to it.

No change.

So he bashed it harder.

A red light started flashing by his hand, and being too intelligent for his own good (and not having ever read a copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy), he overlooked the fact that it was actually the TARDIS' way of saying 'It would be advisable not to do that again'.

So he did.

The TARDIS clicked and whirred in anger, for once agreeing with the Doctor's sentiments about where the hell Rose picked up these 'strays' from. Adam was crying out in exasperation.

"Please, goddammit...shut up! He'll think I've done it!"

It didn't occur to him that maybe bashing the console had made it worse. But then that was the curse of being so intelligent and a pretty boy with it. There was no room for common sense.

"Shut up!" He banged the console once more for effect.

And received a squirt of oil in his eye for his efforts.

\---

"Where the hell is that thing?" the Doctor grumbled, his head buried somewhere between the pile of boxes and the wall. Rose stood and looked on, her arms full of spare wires and parts, unable to help him.

"And you're supposed to be the one with super eyesight," she commented, snorting when he exclaimed "Aha!" and promptly banged his head on a shelf coming up. Staggering to his feet, he shook his head lightly a couple of times, then triumphantly showed Rose a small gadget, barely larger than his thumbnail.

"What is it?"

"Power source for the sonic screwdriver," he replied, picking up a couple of tools and leading her back into the corridor. "Come on, I don't like leaving pretty boy anywhere on his own for too long."

His inane grin was back, and Rose shook her head in amusement.

\---

"What did you do that for?"

Another light, white this time, flashed a bit further along, and he was beginning to catch onto TARDIS-speak. He suspected that meant 'You deserved it'.

"I'm sorry...I'm still getting used to it all." Then he realised exactly what he was doing.

He was talking to a time machine.

Granted, it seemed to have a mind of its own – and hadn't particularly taken a shine to him – but still.

There was another whirring noise from the main console, and he stepped back nervously, wondering what the TARDIS was going to do this time.

But instead of squirts of oil, or flashing lights, a blue rose appeared in a 'tray' underneath the lip of the console.

And when Rose and the Doctor walked back in at that point in time, Adam knew exactly what to do.

"All right, pretty-boy?" the Doctor questioned, apparently in a rather good mood. Rose trailed behind him, dumping the selection of wires, gadgets and boxes she held in her arms on the floor by a pillar. Luckily, before Adam could find a suitable reply, the Doctor caught sight of the flashing light on the console and moved towards it. "You playin' up?" he asked the console, gaining an amused look from Rose.

"It just started flashing," Adam put in quickly. "I don't know why – I don't understand it."

The Doctor shrugged. "She gets a bit temperamental. Just have to give her a quick tap..."

He brought his hand down on the panel in exactly the same place that Adam had, and stepped to the side, grinning back at Adam, who stood as far away as possible.

The TARDIS aimed the jet of oil and released it, catching Adam directly in the face once again.

\---

"Rose?"

She stopped and looked back at Adam, who was following her down the corridor. "Yeah?"

"I – uh – saw this and thought of you." He handed her a perfectly formed blue rose, and stood there, looking highly uncomfortable.

She grinned and raised her eyebrows at him. "Tell the TARDIS I said thanks, yeah?"

He suddenly looked put out. She was touched by the sentiment, but had a feeling the TARDIS had been leading him on. "What do you mean?" he asked.

She shook her head and carried on walking back to the control room. "You'd better find somewhere to go and sit – we're about to start travelling again."

Unperturbed, he followed her, watching as she stepped up to the console with ease and pressed a few buttons. The Doctor caught sight of the rose in her hand, and rolled his eyes. "She leave that for you?"

Rose shook her head. "Adam found it."

The older man grinned at Adam again. Adam found it highly disquieting – there was no warmth to it. Just mocking. "The TARDIS leading you on, mate?" When there was no reply, he carried on. "The TARDIS leaves her blue roses every so often – ever since she started learning how to drive it."

He let out a sigh, narrowing his eyes, and deftly changed the subject. "You can drive this thing?"

"Been having lessons," she said proudly. His eyes immediately focused on the Doctor, who put his hands up in an 'I surrender' motion.

"Don't look at me."

Then he realised. The TARDIS had been teaching her.

The Doctor's mocking stare was still unnerving him, and even Rose had a small smirk turning the corners of her mouth up as she focused on the dials, levers and buttons. The TARDIS whirred and clanked again, and as Adam mumbled something about leaving so he wouldn't get thrown around, the noises got louder.

The TARDIS was laughing at him.


	3. No Chance

"Just think where you want to go, and she'll move the corridors around to help you," he had said, in that annoyingly cheerful Northern accent. "Especially if you really need to find a room. Like a bathroom."

So why was it every time Adam needed to find a bathroom, he found the swimming pool? Or when he wanted to check out the supposedly massive wardrobe – he found the library? Gardens with unripe vegetables, instead of the kitchen; the cricket pitch instead of his own bedroom?

And this time, he wanted to find the control room. He liked sitting there in the middle of the night, when he couldn't sleep. It gave him a comforting and soothing atmosphere, with the humming and vibrating of the machine, and the green light that he could never figure out the source of. He could sit and mull over the days' events, or just remember his life before the Doctor and Rose waltzed in.

"Where is the damn thing..." he murmured as he walked down a corridor, absently noting that it looked exactly like every other corridor he had walked down.

Up ahead of him appeared a room that he recognised. Although this late at night he'd rather not disturb the occupant...

He hesitated outside, wondering what the response would be. Groggy, probably.

"Rose?" he knocked lightly at the door. Apparently the TARDIS was feeling helpful, as the door slid open with an almost inaudible 'swoosh', and he was greeted with darkness as opposed to the dim blue light filtering into the corridor.

"Mmm...?" came the response. There was movement, and as his eyes adjusted to the lack of light, Adam watched a delightfully rumpled Rose prop herself up to squint at him. "Adam? Whass'wrong?"

Evidently Rose was nowhere near as articulate when she had just been woken up.

"I can't find my way anywhere..." He decided not to tell her he needed to find the control room. It was his secret habit, and even though he trusted her, she might let slip in a conversation with the Doctor. Then he wouldn't be allowed near it. The Doctor never trusted him with anything.

Mind you, the Doctor didn't trust him. The closest he got to pleasant conversation with the Time Lord was being called 'pretty boy'. If the alien was in a bad mood, Adam was always referred to as 'him' and 'stray', or on a particularly bad day, 'it'.

"Where d'ya wanna go?"

...Um...

"Bathroom?"

"Down the corridor, first right."

Wait a minute. Adam could have sworn Rose's voice wasn't that deep. And she didn't come from the North, last time he checked.

As he watched, an arm appeared over Rose's waist – a rather muscular arm, which only fuelled the young genius's suspicions further – and the Doctor moved into sight, propping himself up and gazing at Adam with eyes that were far too bright and awake for someone who had just pulled himself from sleep. Rose mumbled something incoherently and rolled over to snuggle into the Doctor's chest, only half-listening out for any amusing comments that could be used as blackmail in the future.

"Um...well, I – uh – I guess I'd better go find it..." Smooth, real smooth.

"Yes, you had," was the short reply. "Close the door on your way out, ta."

As Adam disappeared from sight and the comfortable darkness was restored in Rose's room, the Doctor lay back down and watched Rose's face as she looked blearily up at him.

"Think he suspected?" she muttered.

He frowned. "I dunno...hadn't got much to go on..."

She whacked him feebly, then cuddled up against him again. "Warm."

"Yeah, I tend to be that when I've just been sharing body warmth."

"Smart ass."

"That too."

"Why here?"

He had to think a minute about that. "You mean why was he here of all places?" Rose had specifically made sure that Adam was situated at least two floors away from her room, so she wouldn't have any wandering admirers in the night.

"Mmm."

There was a rumble from deep inside the TARDIS, and the corners of the Time Lord's mouth curved up into a smile as he realised. "The old girl's way of telling Adam he has no chance with you."

At that point in time, Rose was too warm and comfortable, cocooned in her duvet and resting against the Doctor, to understand what he meant. As she dozed off again, soothed by the calming double beat of his two hearts, she assumed he would explain it to her again in the morning.

Grinning his inane grin, the Doctor pulled her closer, wrapped his arms round her and buried his nose in the crook of her neck, willing to finally give up on his nightly routine of watching her sleep, and drift off himself.

\---

And Adam, out in the depths of the TARDIS, found that every corridor he followed lead back to his room.


	4. Domesticated

_"I don't do domestic."_

\---

The first time it happened, he wasn't really surprised.

He had strode down the corridor towards the noise, frowning and shaking his head, trying to focus and wake his sleep-fogged brain up enough to understand what the hell was going on. It was the middle of the night, and he had woken up to the sounds of banging and cursing.

"Rose?"

"Stupid – bloody – toaster – can't – get – the – damn – setting..." Each word was punctuated by a loud bang.

"Rose?"

There was silence, and he had rounded the corner, standing in the doorway of the kitchen and watched as Rose turned to face him, suddenly looking very sheepish.

"Hungry, were you?" he questioned.

She nodded. "Midnight snack, y'know."

"Yeah. If you'd just said, we could have gone out and stocked up on stuff."

"But..."

"Go to bed. We'll sort it out tomorrow."

And they had – he dutifully took her to 47th century Earth and allowed her to spend as much as she wished on the best comfort foods the large hypermarkets had to offer.

He assumed it wouldn't happen again.

\---

The second time it happened, he thought she would learn from her mistakes. So he'd explained to her exactly why he didn't use that kitchen anymore.

"Why won't the damn thing do what I want it to?"

Rose had been standing in the middle of the kitchen, covered in the remains of what had apparently started life as baked beans. The saucepan upturned on the floor and the small flame burning merrily away on top of the cooker told him everything he needed to know.

So he had laughed.

It was only after she had threatened him with bodily harm, the saucepan and its remnants of what could have been a nice dinner and getting the TARDIS to lock him somewhere in its dark depths (the TARDIS had become rather protective of her) that he took pity on her.

"You do realise that before you came along, this kitchen hadn't been used in about...500 years?"

She'd stopped cleaning up, and looked at him, stretched out lazily in the chair. "Why?"

He shrugged. "The TARDIS hates kitchen appliances. They're a little temperamental, especially the ones I got from the hypermarket on Cenira Three's fifth moon, and after a little accident involving a toaster and some badly made Explo-Tarts, she refused to provide power. So I just used it for storing stuff."

"Where've you been eating?"

"Out. Restaurants, cafes, chippies..."

She set the saucepan in the sink, the corners of her mouth turning up slightly at his last comment.

"So why's she giving me power now?"

He had gone on to explain that there were no Explo-Tarts around to cause accidents, and the TARDIS probably assumed that Rose was more adept in the kitchen than himself, and wanted to wage war on the wayward appliances she was housing.

So Rose had given up, and curled up in his lap, mumbling something about men, food and explosions.

And that was that.

\---

The third time it happened, he was mildly annoyed. Especially the fact that Rose had – once again – tried and failed to make what had looked like avery nice meal. And the fact she was stubborn enough to want to almost burn down the kitchen to get what she wanted. He had told her so, and been banned from her bedroom for a week.

She extended it to a month when, on hurriedly leaving the room, he made a quiet comment about her sticking to chips from then on.

\---

It had all gone quiet for a bit, until one day, she requested to be dropped off at her local stores in 2005. She had gone off (with a lot of his money) and he'd amused himself by taking a trip to Trafalgar Square and telling the pigeons that their plan for world domination would be foiled in 2053 and could they please stick to annoying the locals instead?

When he got back to the TARDIS (swearing at the pigeons and grumbling he'd never get the stains out of that shirt, and thank heaven that he hadn't got his leather jacket with him), Rose was nowhere to be seen. But it was open, so he knew that she was in there somewhere. He went to his room and changed, then headed back to the control room to do some much needed tinkering.

It wasn't until later – much later – that he realised he hadn't seen hide nor hair of her, so he went searching for her.

And found her in the kitchen, muttering under her breath as she plugged appliances in, took others out, fixed things, put things away, cleared spaces and generally made the kitchen an actual kitchen.

After another twenty minutes, she finally acknowledged his presence with a gleeful smile as she closed the last cupboard and moved to stand next to him.

"You did this?" he took her hand, ignoring the fact he had just asked one of the most redundant questions ever.

"Yeah," she murmured. "But the TARDIS helped me too. She likes the new stuff."

Indeed she did; the room was glowing as if the TARDIS herself was glowing with pride.

"So."

"So?" she questioned.

"You gonna road-test it then?"

"Already have."

She grabbed a pair of oven mitts and pulled open the oven, revealing two plates of chicken and rice that had been keeping warm. When he raised his eyebrows at her, she shrugged nonchalantly. "I got some cookbooks while I was out. And one of me friend's mums taught me how to do some basic meals."

\---

The month-long bedroom ban was lifted after some much-needed wrestling on the kitchen floor, and something else the TARDIS would much rather have happened in the bedroom or shower, thank you very much.


	5. Multitasking

The wiggling kept him transfixed. He was never usually like this, but it was...different. Just sitting there, watching the backside of his companion swaying and bouncing from the momentum of the work under the control panel...

He was interrupted by a sharp poke in the side as Rose dropped down next to him in the bouncy seat one end of the room.

"Stop daydreaming," she ordered, following his line of sight.

Jack shrugged. "Nice view though. Reminds me of the time we met."

She rolled her eyes and picked up a magazine, flipping through the pages and pretending not to watch exactly what had been holding Jack's interest before she walked in.

Now it's an important fact to note the TARDIS is telepathic, and therefore at that point in time, inside everyone's heads. Although she usually ran 'in the background', so to speak, translating alien languages and generally checking where they were and if they were still alive after having that large misshapen alien they'd just mistaken for a rock chase after them, she could also perform a few other 'tricks of the trade'. One was to soothe nightmares and ensure pleasant dreams; another was to push the subconscious forwards when one of the occupants was concentrating harder than usual on a certain task.

And the Doctor was that current occupant, focusing on his task of attempting to smooth the ride out a bit. What he didn't know was that it had nothing to do with how well the TARDIS performed during 'flight'; it was just her sense of humour and way of telling them she loved them really, but could they please stop all this stomping up and down and get into bed already.

And Rose, being the favourite occupant ("Being a woman and all," Rose grinned. "Yeah, right," Jack snorted, and immediately got an eyeful of oil) was aware of this. And used it to her advantage.

"Doctor?" she called, still reading. Jack yawned and leant back, keeping an ear out for anything of interest.

"Yeah?" came the muffled reply.

"Whatcha doing?"

"Fixing the TARDIS."

"You do know she doesn't need fixing, don't you?"

"Oh. 'K." And carried on working without missing a beat.

After a few more similar exchanges, Jack caught on.

"She's answering for him?" he questioned, narrowing his eyes in thought.

"Nope," Rose replied. "She makes your subconscious answer for you. While your conscious is working on the task at hand, she allows you to talk to others around you by making you respond with whatever you would normally. Only with the Doctor, it's what he would want to say, not what he usually does."

"So if he was going to say 'Oh Rose, I missed you', he would actually say 'Can't hang around all night', and then if the TARDIS was intervening, she'd make him say that he missed you?"

Rose nodded. "Something like that. He doesn't usually remember what he's said, but sometimes either something he's said or I've said will come back to him a few hours later."

So Jack sat and pondered the ways he could get information out of the Doctor.

\---

"So what did you think of Rose when you first met her?"

Rose rolled her eyes, pretending to be interested in her magazine.

"I though she was a stupid backward ape like the rest of them," came the reply.

She snorted; Jack miserably failing at trying to cover a laugh with a cough. "He's still a smart-ass even when he's not concentrating."

Jack shrugged, grinning. "Can't help it probably."

"Heard that." The Doctor's shoulders moved, but he stayed where he was.

"I'm sure you did. Now, what would you do if I made a move on you?"

"Depends what you did."

"Bought you a drink?"

"Have to be good enough to either get me drunk or send me to sleep."

"I'd be that boring?"

"You're not exactly a smooth date once people get to know you."

Jack threw a glance to Rose. "Is this the TARDIS talking?"

She smothered a grin. "Both of them. They have similar thoughts..."

"Not like yours," came a muffled voice. The Doctor had moved forwards, further into the console, and now the only things visible were his legs.

"How do you know what I'm thinking?"

"TARDIS."

She got up and slapped her magazine against the console, glaring at it as she moved past. "Traitor. Now, sorry to cut your amusement short Jack, but I'm going to get some rest."

He shrugged. "I'll see what else I can get out of him."

As she passed the long pair of legs braced on the floor, she reached down and slapped his thigh. "I want to have sex with you on the control room floor."

The Doctor's non-committal; "Okay," was cut short by Jack's shout of laughter.

\---

Rose was yawning as Jack sauntered into the kitchen, grinning. "What's so funny?"

"I now know all about humans, Mickey the idiot, various alien races throughout the universe, your drunken exploits, the toaster in the kitchen and have had a four-word lecture on chatting you up."

"What were the words?"

"'Do it and die.'"

\---

He stepped into the shower, relaxing at the feeling of the warm water washing over his body and wiping the dirt and grime from him. As he closed his eyes and let his mind wander, thankful the TARDIS was finally doing what he wanted her to (for how long, he didn't know), something niggled at the back of his mind.

Something Rose had said, in the control room...

"She wants to WHAT?"

\---

A yell of surprise echoed down the corridor as the TARDIS turned the Doctor's shower cold.


	6. Oral Fixation

The new Doctor had some sort of oral fixation, Rose concluded. He was like a child. Anything that could be put into his mouth was, and every so often he'd absently suck on something that really shouldn't be chewed, such as his sonic screwdriver. He didn't know he was doing it most of the time, so Rose would usually have to retrieve the object before he did any serious damage to it.

She'd first noticed it just after his regeneration. He'd been very quiet and thoughtful, trying to access memories that had been pushed to his subconscious for protection whilst his body went through the changes. She'd come across him eating something, chewing on his fingers or even the arms of his glasses. Once she'd caught him with his hand in a marmalade jar, scooping the contents out and into his mouth. It would have been all right had it not been in front of the woman who owned the marmalade jar, and in her house.

Now he'd discovered lollipops. She supposed it was better than something that could be dented or scratched (or even broken, knowing him), but it was still very distracting. Lollipops required a certain amount of sucking and licking, and after she'd seen his tongue flicking out over the surface of the current favourite a few times she'd growled in frustration and left the room.

The next time she'd seen him with the stick poking out of his mouth as he rolled it from side to side, deep in thought, she'd confronted him about it.

"Do you have to do that?"

"Do what?"

"Do whatever it is you're doing with that lolly!"

He'd feigned innocence, declaring he had no idea what she was on about. "It helps me think. If you want the TARDIS to be fixed in time for you to get home for your Mum's birthday, then just let me carry on!"

She'd rolled her eyes at him, and that had been the end of the conversation. She'd tried again a couple of times after that but he always declared he needed it to help him think.

\---

And he was doing it again. They were sitting in the control room of the TARDIS, Rose reading a book comfortably settled on the 'sofa' type piece of furniture and the Doctor sitting on the floor, legs braced against the console as he sucked at another lolly. He'd lick it thoughtfully, then sit and contemplate the uneven surface for a moment, before putting it back in his mouth for another suck. To Rose, who had read the same sentence about fifteen times because of his unavoidable distraction, it was all very serious. She didn't think she'd ever seen anyone think so much about eating a lollipop before.

Every so often her mind would wander, but she quickly reined it in, not wanting to think of the other connotations of his fixation. TARDIS could sense the discomfort he was causing due to his obsession with the Earth sweets, and she had hidden his stash a few times, but he'd just go out and buy some more.

Rose was getting exceedingly fed up of this habit, and TARDIS agreed with her. The times that he'd tried to fix her with one of the sweets in his mouth, she'd had her innards poked with the end of the stick and even had one dropped into her, leaving a sticky mess on her wires. She'd refused to move until he'd cleared it up (much to Rose's amusement) and then had proceeded to take much delight in transporting them to the nearest muddy planet, where the Doctor had been ejected out the door and straight into a mosquito-infested, smelly swamp. When TARDIS had thought he'd learned his lesson, she had allowed him back in but would not let him anywhere except the showers, where he'd stayed for the next few hours, cleaning the muck off him and tending to his mosquito bites. Revenge was sweet with TARDIS on your side.

But that had not deterred him, and a few weeks later he'd been back on Earth buying a new box of lollipops (his last stash had mysteriously disappeared).

So TARDIS was forming a new plan. If she and Rose couldn't stop this annoying habit of his, then they'd give him something to think about.

\---

The Doctor wandered down the corridor to the control room, confused. He'd just bought a box of lollies and now he'd lost them. He usually hid them somewhere so Rose couldn't find them, but this time he'd obviously hidden them so well he couldn't remember where he'd put them himself.

He strolled over to the console and brought up TARDIS's locator device. He'd found many a lost item with this device; even retrieving things from his past incarnations, including a dwindling stash of very old jelly-babies and a brightly coloured scarf that was twice as long as he was tall.

Tapping the screen lightly, he attempted to search for the lollipops but each try yielded no results. Either they were no longer on the ship or TARDIS was just refusing to tell him where they were. Sighing, he flopped back onto the 'sofa' seat, pulled out his glasses and started chewing on one of the arms.

As he sat pensively, he missed Rose's light footsteps announcing her presence in the room, and didn't feel her sit next to him until a few minutes later when he became aware of a slight noise. Turning his head, he realised Rose was curled by his side, nose buried in a book, and a lolly stick poking out her mouth. His eyes widened as he took in this sight, and Rose, feeling his gaze on her, glanced up long enough to rake her eyes over his face, down to the mangled arm of his glasses still half in his mouth and back up to his eyes again before looking back down at her book. Neither of them spoke, and even TARDIS was unusually quiet, almost as if she were holding her breath.

Never mind that Rose had a lolly. He could just go back to Earth and get some more whenever he felt like it. Well, TARDIS allowing. So he sat back and fell into thought again, his glasses serving as a suitable substitution for the sweet currently being savoured by Rose.

A few minutes later though, the noise started again. He turned his head slightly to see Rose's tongue snaking out and licking the surface of the lolly repeatedly. He eyed the dark red ball of sugar, glinting in the light from TARDIS, licked his lips, then shook his head and stared at one of the columns. His teeth tightened ever so slightly on his glasses, leaving a dent, and he attempted to ignore her. But the noise continued, and every so often he'd let out his breath with a whoosh.

"Can I just –"

"No."

Well, that was it then. He'd have to go somewhere else, away from Rose and her lolly-taunting tactics. But as soon as the thought had formed, he heard the distinctive sound of the doors being shut and locked by TARDIS. There was no escape. Obviously TARDIS and Rose were in it together, so he had to find a way either to ignore them for the duration of the lolly's existence or attempt an escape.

Getting up, he paced the floor, tapped on the console and tried to find something that he could concentrate on. He would usually have his head half-inside the console trying to fix it, but today nothing seemed to be wrong, and when he did try to open a panel it refused to budge. TARDIS was obviously not going to be a source of distraction for him.

After a few laps of the room, there was a series of cracks, and a grunt of frustration from Rose as she crunched the last of the lolly. The Doctor smiled triumphantly, turning to announce his victory over her plan, but stopped short when he realised she was unwrapping a new lolly. Slowly. The wrapper discarded, she popped it into her mouth, rolled it round a couple of times as if to test it, then smiled and settled back down. Feeling his gaze on her once more, she looked up and grinned at him.

"Mmm. Cherry."

Then she concentrated back on her book.

\---

He could take it no more. This was the third lolly she'd taunted him with, and never mind what it was doing to her teeth, it was pushing him to the limits of his patience. He never realised what it was doing to her temperament when he sucked thoughtfully on a lollipop, but now he knew and it was very unfair the way she and TARDIS had decided to show him.

Suddenly, Rose's teeth cracked lightly on the edge of the lolly, and the Doctor's teeth gritted so hard on his glasses that the arm snapped, along with his patience. He threw the broken spectacles on the floor and launched himself at Rose, determined to steal the sweet. She squealed and tried to get up and away from him, but he was on top of her before she could move very far. Limbs flailed, hands grabbed, and Rose's giggles mixed with the Doctor's grunts as a stray foot caught him in the stomach.

"Give – the – lolly – to – me..." he managed, and tickled Rose's side, gaining another high-pitched squeak.

"Not until you've learned your lesson!" she laughed breathlessly, wriggling away from his relentless fingers. The wrestling continued for a few more minutes, until TARDIS decided there would be no conclusion and became fed up with the two of them. There was a clanking noise, and the Doctor and Rose paused in the middle of their skirmish to watch a panel in the ceiling (which the Doctor later swore had never been there before) open and dump hundreds of lollies on top of them. They rolled to the floor, covered in the still-wrapped sweets, Rose hiccupping with laughter.

Dazed, the Doctor sat up, picking lollies out of his clothes and watched Rose shake out a few that had worked their way down her top.

So _that_ was where TARDIS had hidden his stash.


	7. Felinophobia

They'd been on one of their usual jaunts (ones Rose had decided to dub the peaceful-planet-and-not-ending-up-running-for-their-lives) when they'd reached the TARDIS and found a small creature curled up by the door. The Doctor, not noticing, had cheerfully unlocked and opened the door, chattering away as he entered, but Rose had paused and regarded the creature as it had lifted its head and blinked sleepily at her.

"Hey, little one, you been waiting for us?"

In response, the creature got up, stretched slowly, then sat and wrapped a long, slim tail around its neatly set paws. She could see it better now, and it looked exactly like one of the cats back on Earth except for a slightly longer tail and the odd, iridescent sheen to the pale grey fur covering its body.

"Rose? Are you coming?" The Doctor's head popped out and he looked at her expectantly. She glanced down to find the cat-creature regarding her with exactly the same expression and she suppressed a giggle.

"Look what was waiting here – can we keep it?" She indicated down at his feet and he looked down, a strange expression flitting over his face as he took in what she was referring to.

"Nope. Come on!"

"Oh, please? Look, he likes you!"

The creature had moved over to the Doctor's legs and started rubbing its head against him, producing a sound that could only be described as very loud purring. The Doctor grimaced, shook his leg, and glared. "No."

"But..."

"What did I tell you about strays, Rose?" He rolled his eyes as she followed him into the TARDIS, neither noticing the creature slip in before the door shut.

"But this isn't a man, it's an animal!"

"Exactly. I'm not having a random animal wandering the corridors of the TARDIS! Who knows what it'll get up to."

Rose huffed and dropped into the comfy seat by the console, watching his hands dart over the various buttons and levers, and the familiar grinding and whooshing of the TARDIS dematerialising filled the room. "Where are we going?"

He shrugged. "Thought we'd just float in the Vortex for a while; get some rest. TARDIS needs a break for a while, and she'll let us know when she needs refuelling." He grinned over at her. "I'm sure we'll find something to keep us occupied."

Ignoring his suggestive tone, Rose raised her eyebrows at him and shook her head in mock exasperation. They subsided into a comfortable silence for a while; the Doctor keeping an eye on the controls, occasionally running his hand through his already messy hair, and Rose watching the Doctor, admiring him quietly.

Then she screamed, and the Doctor jumped almost two feet in the air, his eyes wild as he spun round ready to fight whatever had attacked her. He was greeted with the sight of the creature curled up on her lap, and Rose calming herself down as she stroked its head.

"What the...How did that get in here?"

Rose looked up and shrugged. "I dunno. But it gave me a scare, didn't you little one?" The creature closed its eyes as she found a particularly sensitive spot on its head and scratched, purring contentedly.

"Right, that's it, we're taking it back." His hands reached out to one of the levers but for once it refused to budge. "...What?" Again, he tugged. Again, it stayed where it was. He tried something else, but the console powered itself down and he found he couldn't do anything. "Bah. Come on, sweetheart, surely you don't want some mangy animal on board?"

The TARDIS dimmed in response, and Rose giggled. "She likes it."

"Bah. Bah, I say!" He huffed and turned to face Rose. "All right. You two win. It stays. Just don't let it come anywhere near me."

"But it likes you!"

"Animals and children are all the same; they make a beeline for those that hate them."

"But it's a cat!"

"Well, sort of. It's a distant relative of the feline species from Earth. But yes, a cat, if you like."

"What do you have against cats?"

"I jut don't like them." He eyed Rose warily as she stood up with the animal in her arms and approached him. He took a step to the side.

Rose narrowed her eyes. "You're afraid of them."

He shot a nervous look at it, and received a wide-eyed, innocent stare. "No I'm not."

"You are!" She laughed, hopping lightly from foot to foot in a little victory dance. "You're afraid! The mighty Doctor is afraid of a little cat!"

"I'm not afraid!" But he took another step to the side. "I just don't like their claws. Or fur. Fur; now that gets everywhere and do you know how long it takes to clean it up? It gets into food, drinks, beds, clothes, books, wires – have you ever smelt burning fur? – it even clogs up my sonic screwdriver! And..."

Cutting him off before he could get into the full flow of one of his rants, Rose snuggled it and declared, "We've got to name him."

Now a safe distance from the claws, the Doctor shrugged. "It's yours. You take responsibility for your strays; you name it."

"At least he won't go wandering off and get surgical implants when we're not looking."

The Doctor snorted.

\---

"I'm going to name him Jack."

The Doctor looked up from his favourite position on the floor of the control room, legs spread, fiddling with the wires in the console. "Jack? Why?"

"He has that look about him."

"He looks like he's about to go off and shag any sentient species he finds?"

Rose giggled again, regarding the creature as it preened itself. "Nope, just looks like a Jack."

"Oh good, another one."

"What do you have against cats?" Rose inquired, moving the creature off her lap and moving over to sit next to him, watching his long fingers deftly twisting the wires together.

"Nothing really, but a cat is a cat," he shrugged, "is a cat. And that's that. Now, the cat-people on..."

He trailed off at Rose's quelling look and 'Jack' aimed a glare at the Doctor before licking his paw and cleaning his ear.

There were no problems as they settled into a sort of routine; Jack and the Doctor avoided each other at all costs and Jack was given the run of the TARDIS except the bedrooms.

That rule had been enforced when the Doctor had accidentally kicked Jack when he'd strolled too close and had subsequently found a smelly 'present' in his bed one night.

\---

"He's getting fat."

Rose looked up from a magazine to find the Doctor and Jack squaring off in a staring contest. The Doctor was sitting at the table in the kitchen, bent forward so his chin was almost touching the surface. Jack, ears twitching slightly, was crouched on the table, facing the Doctor. Both were staring intently at each other and not blinking.

Rose's eyes started watering just watching them.

"No he's not."

"He is! I don't know what you feed him on but he needs to go on a diet."

"Don't be ridiculous. He just needs a bit more exercise, that's all. Probably gets bored with just the corridors to wander. Maybe we can let him into the garden?"

"No. He'll dig up all the plants and crap everywhere."

Rose rolled her eyes. "Since when do you care about the plants? Plus he's fully TARDIS-trained."

He ignored her and she shook her head, getting up and making some toast before settling back down and delving back into her magazine. "Loser sleeps on the corridor floor tonight."

The Doctor started, using all of his self-control to prevent himself from looking over at her in surprise. "But he sleeps outside your room anyway!"

She grinned, not looking up. "Better not lose then."

\---

It was a few weeks later, in the middle of the night, when Rose was disturbed by a noise. She blinked sleepily, and turned her head to look at the body lying next to her, wondering if he'd snorted or something.

"Did you say something?"

"Hmmnn?"

She sighed. "Never mind."

"Okay." The Doctor's arm tightened round her and she rolled over to snuggle into his warm body, lulled back into sleep by the thud-thud of his two hearts.

It happened again, and this time the Doctor heard it too, lifting his head from her pillow and frowning at her. "What was that?"

"I dunno." She groaned, sitting up, and rubbed her eyes. The TARDIS sent a soft glow of light into her room so she could see vague outlines of the furniture, and she scanned it for anything different. "I don't see anything..."

"Wait." The Doctor sat up too, looking towards the far corner. "There was movement over there."

She squinted in the direction he pointed and saw a pile of clothes, jumbled in the corner. "That's my laundry pile. Jack decided to use the box as a scratching post and it fell apart."

"Well it appears your laundry pile has grown its own life-form, since last time I checked, laundry didn't make noises."

Huffing, Rose flipped the covers back and padded over to the pile, the TARDIS brightening the lights further so she could see. Halfway across the room, she froze, having seen the pile move suddenly and emit a small noise. "Okay, there's definitely something in there."

The Doctor slowly joined her, his ever-present sonic screwdriver in his hand. Rose stayed behind as he quietly approached, a hand reached out to pull the top layer away (a jumper that had rather odd-coloured stains on from a paint festival gone wrong). Having removed the offending item, he jumped back, screwdriver at the ready.

"Ha! Take that, laundry-creature of doom...oh."

"Oh?" Rose repeated, creeping up behind him and peering over his shoulder. "It's not my laundry bent on world domination?"

"Well, would you look at that?"

Seeing the Doctor had relaxed slightly, Rose stepped forward until she could see the object of their night's disturbed sleep. Nestled amongst her discarded socks, jeans and tops was Jack, surrounded by four wriggling bodies of pearly-white fur. "Aw! Jack's had kittens!" She dropped to her knees and offered her hand to Jack, allowing the feline to sniff her and decide whether or not to let the human near the new additions. When a rumbling purr erupted from the adopted member of the crew, Rose ran a finger lightly down the nearest body, delighting in the softness of the fur. "Oh, they're so cute! Can we keep them?" When there was no answer, she looked up to find the Doctor standing stock still, a horrible thought having occurred to him.

"Doctor?"

"You know what this means, don't you, Rose?"

"Know what what means?"

He gulped.

"That apparently Jack is actually... _Jackie_..."


End file.
